My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
