Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
