Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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