i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
