You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
