Banned from zoo.
Again?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
