I'm going to jail i love you
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
