I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
