I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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