The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
True strength comes from lack of pants
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
