I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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