I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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