new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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