Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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