just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
