I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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