so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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