stop calling my apartment porn island.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
