She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
