you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
