now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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