I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
