Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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