Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
