Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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