it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize