he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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