I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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