did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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