cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
