1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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