True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
