Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize