i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
