am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
