so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
