Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
