I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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