it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
