I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
