Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
