The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
