That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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