just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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