Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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