What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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