I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I can't turn off my feet"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
