So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
