please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
