My balls are so social today.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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