ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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