dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
