Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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