dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
