The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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