and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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