I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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